Redskins Part Ways With Very Troubled LB Coach

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Published: April 1, 2012

Washington Redskins assistant linebacker coach Major Joseph Sharp was fired on Monday after a series of incidents during his brief time with the team. The decision was made by both head coach Mike Shanahan and General Manager Brian Allen following a meeting with several concerned players, coaches, fans, cheerleaders and even some of the Hogettes.

Major Sharp was hired last season after a 27-12 loss at Pittsburgh. It is believed that Shanahan wanted to toughen the guys up after back to back loses. The Redskins knew Major Sharp had a military background and thought he could help the team.

RedskinsAt first Major Sharp did not seem too eccentric when he showed up to his first practice with a bullhorn and simply screamed at the players. He ordered many to do push-ups, sit-ups, suicides, dough boys, and up-downs.

At the following practice, Major Sharp was particularly hard on kicker Kai Forbath. Apparently Major Sharp had attempted to dismiss Forbath from the team and replace him with a giant catapult known as a trebuchet. Mike Shanahan laughed this off, but Major Sharp actually wrote to the NFL about using trebuchets in games, as well as legalizing chop blocks, face masking, and roughing the quarterback.

An hour before kickoff against the Carolina Panthers, Major Sharp was a no-where to be found. He would not show up until early in the first quarter. It was later revealed that he had kidnapped a Panthers player in an effort to find out what plays they were likely to run. Major Sharp’s method to extract the plays involved a good amount of water boarding.

During the game, Major Sharp shouted a number of highly complex plays through his megaphone that sounded something like, “Alpha! Tango! Green 64! Mike left! Golf 9!” and so on. Neither the players nor the coaches seemed to have any idea what these plays meant.

Following the 21-13 loss, Major Sharp used his satellite phone in an attempt to call in an air-strike on the Panthers’ team bus. He claimed that what was statistically a loss would not be as bad if the end result of the game was their opponent’s complete destruction.

Shanahan and the other coaches intended to talk to Major Sharp the following Monday before practice, but he was not in his office. It turns out he had spent that morning setting up an obstacle course for the players to run. Although skeptical, the coaching staff allowed the players to attempt the course, but immediately regretted it.

When the players reached the belly crawl, they had their jerseys torn by barbed wire. Players who continued on had to drag a tackling dummy through a foggy swamp bog filled with leaches. Players who kept going had to deal with a rope and tire course laced with low-impact land mines.

The final stage (which only two players reached) was the simplest, as it only involved being shot numerous times by Major Sharp’s specialized, rubber-bullet firing M-16. Stunned, the coaches demanded Major Sharp leave the field, but were met with rubber bullets.

Since that time Sharp had been suspended indefinitely. Last week he issued a written apology and was reinstated. Major Sharp’s return was short-lived.Friday morning he was fired after it was  discovered that he had shared the Redskins’ playbook with a number of Army friends. He did this in order to convert the plays into Morris code for the upcoming season.

As it turns out, Major Sharp was dishonorably discharged from the US Army in 2006 after forcing eight soldiers to blindfold themselves, strip naked, and lay in the hot Iraqi sun as he unleashed live Scorpions upon them.

APRIL FOOLS!

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