NFL Power Rankings

I like how offended the masses seemed to be – everyone from Ed Rendell to your impartial NFL observer – by the concept of an NFL game on a Tuesday. You would have thought from the collective faux-outrage that Goodell decreed that they shrink the playing field by forty yards. There hasn’t been a Tuesday game since 1946. And obviously the league has been infallible for the past 64 years! Just total anarchy, I tell ya!

Is it unfortunate the Eagles might have to play three games in twelve days or whatever? Of course, and it could be a disadvantage heading into the playoffs. But you know what would be even worse? The maelstrom of automobile accidents scattered along the roads exiting the stadium as hordes of drunks pile into cars set to slide around on a blanket of ice. Also, you know how you avoid these scenarios? When you build a brand new stadium in Philadelphia with the technology to put a retractable roof on it? Put a retractable roof on it. Problem solved.

Onto the rankings.

1) New England Patriots
Thanks for that 31-point against the Bills, New England. Where were you when I needed a 14.5 point cover in week three? Oh, that’s right, giving up thirty points to this same hapless franchise. Also, we’re at one of my favorite dilemmas in sports: When a team is so clearly better than its competition that the post-season seems to have an inevitable outcome, yet if that team were to lose, the playoffs seem remarkably less interesting. The ideal scenario is what happened in 2008, and I don’t think we can rely on the Giants for a game of that magnitude again.

2) Pittsburgh Steelers
I’m not exactly impressed by the win over Carolina, but there wasn’t anything the Steelers could do to impress me. They get the two-seed out of consistency and thoroughness.

3) Atlanta Falcons
They split the season series with New Orleans, so I’m not going to kill them for the loss. I’d like to, but with a scoring difference of +105 and five wins against teams with winning records this season, as much as I’d like to drop them dramatically because they’re so inherently uninteresting, I can’t if I’m even pretending to be fair.

4) New Orleans Saints
On the other hand, this isn’t a team that will be an easy out. Of their four losses, one loss was to Atlanta in overtime, two they didn’t even bother to show up for against Cleveland and Arizona, and the fourth was a close loss to the Ravens in Baltimore. They probably don’t realize how much they’re going to miss that home field advantage, though.

5) Baltimore Ravens
I’d caution anyone about riding too high on the Ravens bandwagon. They’ve beaten only three teams with winning records this season, and one was against Pittsburgh before Roethlisberger returned (another was against Tampa, who hasn’t beaten anyone over .500). The only win of note was at home against the Saints. So yeah, proceed with caution.

6) Chicago Bears
At this point, the only thing keeping them out of the three slot is my own prejudice. That, and the biggest laid egg I’ve witnessed from a home team against New England, and the two losses turned wins by the grace of officials against Detroit. Otherwise, this team is in the top five.

7) Philadelphia Eagles
After roughly six seasons of vulnerability, I’m absolutely stunned the Eagles run defense bit them in the ass last night. No one could have seen this coming four years ago.

8) Green Bay Packers
It seems that – as with every week in the NFL – The Packers are the best team that might not make the playoffs for the week 16 slate of games. Next week, I can’t wait for the Packers to get a wild card slot, then everyone use their playoff bid as the finest example of why the post-season needs overhauled.

9) New York Jets
Rex Ryan has to be thanking God for quick starts, a top-heavy conference and open-minded/similarly sexually explorative women. I actually heard people this week speculate as to why Brett Favre was being so fiercely persecuted (he isn’t) while Ryan was getting off “scott-free.” Apparently, consensually making a foot-fetish video with your spouse is on the same plane as sending potentially unsolicited cockshots to an employee at your work. News to me, but I learn something new everyday with NFL “analysis”.

10) Kansas City Chiefs
Assuming they pull the Jets, that’s definitely a winnable game, especially at home. Playoff football at Arrowhead is always a good thing.

11) Indianapolis Colts
It seems pretty much inevitable that they’re going to the playoffs, and their opening round game against the Ravens will rival the annual USC-Oklahoma national title game in two team’s I want to see win less.

12) New York Giants
The loss was bad on Sunday, but lets not overreact. They still have a solid pass rush and the offense is one of the best in the league if they’re healthy and avoiding turnovers. Those are two pretty sizable caveats, but still.

13) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
9-6 fifteen weeks into the season isn’t what anyone could have expected. If they win next Sunday and the Seahawks lose, all the hand-wringing about the NFC West getting a playoff spot will almost be warranted.

14) Jacksonville Jaguars
Gee, thanks for making me look like a dipshit after I put you at eighth two weeks ago, Jacksonville. Someone writes a weekly Power Rankings article and remembers to include you each week, and this is how you repay them? Next week I’m making like everyone else and only including thirty-one teams.

15) Oakland Raiders
While them and Tampa have both had better than expected seasons, is anyone going to be surprised if either team fails to win five games next season?

16) San Diego Chargers
So as it turns out, it isn’t that the Chargers are indifferent to the first month of the regular season, it’s just that they aren’t very good. It took until week 16 for us to figure this out.

17) Minnesota Vikings
Way to climb the rankings, guys. And just in time to ruin your positioning for whichever quarterback your team might draft next season. Also, that might be the best indicator that we’re almost certainly heading for a lockout: this team is still going full-throttle on the field.

18) St. Louis Rams
I have to put the worst division leader somewhere, and they make as much sense at 18 as anyone else.

19) Miami Dolphins
For a team that can’t be bothered to show up at home, this seems kind of high. Should they win on Sunday against New England – and they very well may as Tom Brady (among other starters) might not play much – they will finish the season 7-1 on the road and 1-7 at home. It seems like they’re more vulnerable to the trappings of Miami nightlife than their opponents, which is embarrassing.

20) Washington Redskins
Things start to get murky right around here. For instance, Washington gets the 19th spot because they beat a team with a winning record last week, and appear to be actively trying to win. Congrats on the milestone, Washington Racist Epithets.

21) Dallas Cowboys
So they draft a quarterback, but what of Jon Kitna, who despite being older, appears to be the new Jeff Garcia.

22) Detroit Lions
Speaking of under-appreciated quarterbacks, they’ve won three games in a row with Drew Stanton as their starter. Are we still doing the mind-numbingly simplistic “the only stat that matters is wins and losses” mantra? Or is that only when it’s convenient in trying to prove a point?

23) Seattle Seahawks
Losers of three straight and without a chance of finishing with a winning record, the Seahawks have an opportunity to make the playoffs with a home win against the Rams on Sunday night. This is the world of eight, four team divisions.

24) Cincinnati Bengals
So Marvin Lewis might save his job, Owens and Chad Johnson might both be cut, and the Bengals probably don’t have a clue as to how they should approach the draft (with Palmer showing a pulse these past two weeks). As just about always, things are bleak in Cincy, but no one is sure how or why.

25) Tennessee Titans
I usually hate the concept of a team “quitting” on the season, but when you drop seven of eight, with the only win coming against a team that seems more intent on mailing in 2010, I can’t really disagree.

26) San Francisco 49ers
Is there a franchise that could use a season off more than this one? Usually when a team has as many losing seasons in a row, some of it is to be expected. But every year turns into a grave disappointment for San Fran.

27) Buffalo Bills
4-3 in the last seven games is a silver lining, but this team still feels so far removed from the playoffs they might as well be in the Arena League.

28) Cleveland Browns
It’s hard to believe this team was 5-7 at one point, and they account for half of New England’s losses and 25% of the Saints, but eventually consistency has to be shown to crack the top twenty.

29) Houston Texans
Just fire Gary Kubiak already. Usually I don’t condone pinning all the problems of a team on the coach (seems too convenient), but in this case it’s long overdue.

30) Denver Broncos
On the bright side, Tebow seems to be benefiting from the low expectations of everyone outside of Josh McDaniels and residents of north Florida.

31) Arizona Cardinals
It’s uncharacteristic for a team to move down a slot from 30th after a win, but the Broncos impressed me more. “Impressed” of course, being relative.

32) Carolina Panthers
Yeah, not that I was expecting anything different, but the loss to the Steelers was that bad.