New York Jets Hard Knocks Episode 4

Naturally, on the same day I have to do billing for work and am hampered with a day-long migraine, Hard Knocks is on. I apologize in advance for my flippancy, but it’s hard to invest in a show about football practices when your brain feels like it’s trying to escape through your temple (too graphic?). Anyways, let us get right to it.

10:02- Coaches sit around and do their best to make completely cliched commentary seem insightful. It doesn’t work.

10:06- The focus comes back around to Revis for the first time since the first episode, Tim Callishaw (Cowlishaw? Can’t remember from the last time I watched Around The Horn) gets name dropped a few times, and it seems like their front office has less access to Revis than an Around The Horn panelist. Maybe Tony Reali can renegotiate his next contract for them.

10:08- Rex Ryan’s concerned about Nick Mangold’s Taco Bell consumption, as we all are. It seems like everyone has more to say about Nick Mangold than Nick Mangold has to say about anything. Seriously, has he uttered a single word in conversation or to the camera?

10:10- Two left guards are battling for the starting possession. A guy from Haiti and a guy named Slauson. The narrator says the guy from Haiti is inexperienced, then they show us a few conversations between players and coaches expressing this sentiment. Hey, and hour’s a long time.

10:12- In fact, it’s so long we’re treated to watching Marc Sanchez stir coffee for a solid ten seconds  before he asks about someone’s binder. Occasionally, this documentary series can make Rubicon seem fast-paced (Though I enjoy the series, I probably give it more leeway than I should because it’s on AMC. I mean, that linked clip is literally a woman opening a box for two and a half minutes).

10:13- Sanchez vandalizes some guy’s work space, the guy in question takes it in good humor because he’s out of a job otherwise. “Sanchize” gets at least two more seasons to prove he can complete 60% of his passes.

10:15- Kellen Clemens is venting to the camera about his frustration with being demoted from potential starter to hopeful third stringer, like he’s been even a suitable backup since the day he was drafted. A coach gives him the hard line, saying either accept a pay decrease or get the hell out of Jersey. He’s going to weigh his non-existent options.

10:17- Braylon Edwards and Santonio Holmes sit in a meeting together, the former from Michigan and the latter from OSU. The narrator said they have to compete for Sanchez’s affection, which is kind of like Marissa Miller and Miranda Kerr clawing each other to death over a Bachelor contestant.

10:20- Laverneus Coles, after a season of ineffectualness with the Bengals, is back with the Jets. He’s hoping to make the roster, but the Jets have somehow kept all their receivers of the past five years and managed too add another dozen, so it’s a stretch to expect him to stay.

10:22- It’s going to come down to Coles and Tony Richardson for one of the last reserve spots on offense. Not that you in any way give a shit.

10:23- At the Jets third preseason games against the Panthers, everyone says “Terminator” in reference to a special teams player with said nickname. And by “everyone” I mean, “the dipshit announcers calling the game and Rex Ryan saying it five times in 10 seconds”.

10:25- Tomlinson appreciates the opportunity to play football again. And for the first time I can recall, someone affiliated with the NFL refers to football as, “a kid’s game”. Perspective is rare in the NFL. And I’m almost unjustifiably giddy about it.

10:27- The Jets practice at Hofstra in front of the unemployed legions of Long Island faithful. God bless ‘em and their commitment to a team they know deep down will only see to disappointing them.

10:29- Some drunk mick stumbles onto the field and he’s roundly mocked by everyone. The team enjoys the questionable use of executive force.

10:29- Lectures. “Inspirational” lectures.

10:31- There are two Reds hats in one shot of the team listening to Rex Ryan attempt to light a fire under their ass. Ohio is probably overly-represented in the NFL. Ryan does have a way with words, and I quote: “I want you to play like champions, not some slap-dick team…now let’s go eat a god damn snack”.

10:33- Jason Taylor shows off his car that he’ll almost certainly have to pawn five years after he retires if he can’t turn that Dancing with The Stars bit into something more tangible.

10:35- Okay, I guess that Panthers footage was from last week, their third preseason game is against the Redskins. Tomlinson is running, uh, effectively, to say the least. I have no idea what string of defense he’s playing on his two biggest runs, however.

10:36- Rex Ryan shit-talks Redskins defenders from the cozy confines of the sideline. Santonio Holmes fumbles a reception and claims it’s his first fumble since his rookie season. I’m inclined to think he’s lying, as it was a problem in Columbus as well.

10:37- Marc Sanchez throws another ridiculously bad interception, and I don’t know how many times I can emphasize what a liability this kid is.

10:39- The Jets manage to score a full five points with their starters in the first half. Champions!

10:40- Sanchez is driven into the ground after the Haitian left guard lets a D-lineman by. He powers through, and comes back out to throw a touchdown in the third quarter against Washington’s second team. This Jets team is a good litmus test to see if you can pull off a Superbowl a la 2000 Ravens or 2002 Buccaneers.

10:41- Ugh, I take that back. The Jets manage to make Larry Johnson look like Adrian Peterson on a touchdown score. Great starters, but lacking depth seems to be their defense’s MO.

10:43- Various players walk around Manhattan and celebrate the corporate overtake of this country in Times Square.

10:45- Kellen Clemens doesn’t want to be under or overpaid, as he’s from a small town or something. He puts on a good show of acting like any of this isn’t totally inconsequential.

10:47- People are being cut, so production queues up the Friday Night Lights soundtrack. Everyone handles this entirely too well. I want to see some meltdowns, but am admittedly impressed. I’d totally be throwing chairs against windows that would inevitably bounce back and crack my skull in half.

10:49- Coles is…cut? I can’t really tell. Yes, looks like he’s at least taking an involuntarily sabbatical. For some reason, Kellen Clemens has the option to stay. If history has taught us anything, it’s that Oregon quarterbacks are a lost cause: Jason Fife, Akili Smith, Joey Harrington and most likely Dennis Dixon. Are their any exceptions? Dixon was poised to win the Heisman in his final season with the Ducks, and who knows how his career goes if he doesn’t sustain that knee injury, but at best I see him being a Brad Smith/Randal-El type.

Alright, that’s the end of the episode. Next week is the season finale, and unless Rex Ryan gets his team drunk and buys them a plethora of strippers that turn out to be deceptive hermaphrodites, I’m going to chalk this one up to a disappointment. And it’s still the second best of the four season’s I’ve watched. I don’t know, it’s almost like people who excel in athletics for a living aren’t required to have dynamic personalities that translate well into storied television. Still, we’ll see you next week.

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