Fantasy Football Personalities
This is the guy from work you kinda know that you grabbed at the last second when a previous owner dropped out. He’s heard of fantasy football, but thinks it’s you and your buddies dressing up like Thurman Thomas and Lawrence Taylor and tossing the pigskin around. He’s not going to understand anything and will repeatedly ask questions about everything. The only reason he agreed to join your draft is so you’ll put in a good word for him with that blonde in accounting. Not only does he have little to no football knowledge, he’s not going to even bother to log into your league’s website. Not even once. While there’s no chance this guy wins your league- which gives you a better chance of taking the championship- he’s going to be frustrating for not paying attention. Bye week and injured players are left in his lineup all year and you know he’s going to stumble upon a deep sleeper or two and leave him on his bench all season. Good luck trying to contact him for trades.
The Human Rain-Delay
Everyone hates this guy. He’s the reason that you had to start using your microwave’s timer feature. No matter what round, position or pick, he’s going to agonize over every selection and take the fully allotted time to finally say a name. It’s the final round, and he doesn’t have a kicker? No matter- he’s going to take that full two minutes before he finally announces “Sebastian Janikowski“. Harassment and threats don’t seem to work to encourage this bum to speed up either. You kind of get the impression that he takes his sweet time on purpose, to build drama.
The Hot Chick
Having proven her gender is the superior one in every other facet of life, The Hot Chick next moves on to showing that she can win in the unfriendliest of environments- your live fantasy football draft. While most of the group relishes the one day a year that they can get out of the house and drink beer with their pals, The Hot Chick decides that’s just too much and crashes the party. She’s also not afraid to use her natural “assets” to get the player she wants. She might play dumb and intentionally mispronounce names, but this is one opponent to fear. She’s smart enough to encourage all of your buddies to keep pounding the drinks, even offering to bring them their next round. If putting an arm around your fat friends and whispering something in their ears gives her some sort of advantage, she’ll definitely use it.
A serious threat to win your league, nothing gets by this obsessive owner. Has every worthwhile website bookmarked and dedicates time every single day to staying abreast of every news blurb and tidbit. The Shark seems to have no life outside of fantasy football. He knows who to follow on twitter, absorbs analysis like a sponge and even listens to fantasy football themed podcasts in his “spare time.” Brings his own password-protected laptop with encrypted spreadsheets and code-language so complex and paranoid that your buddy who works at NASA has no idea how to read it. Has the Fantasy Football depth charts for every NFL team memorized and has knowledge of what every single NFL player’s target and YAC numbers were. Good luck getting your sleepers by this guy. And if you need a free-agent quarterback for your bye week, forget it. The Shark will pick him up right before you…not because he needs him, but because he knew you would. Always in the championship mix, it will take some luck to get past this type of owner.
The Hometown Hero
This owner is more interested in supporting the hometown team than he is winning your fantasy football league. Shows up at the draft decked out in a throwback jersey with face painted, officially team licensed boxer shorts, beer mug, sweat bands, helmet and pencil. The background of his laptop is the local team’s cheerleaders or a wide-angled shot of the stadium. The Hometown Hero actually believes in curses and thinks his actions might have some sort of direct influence on the real team’s outcome. On game day, his fantasy team winning is always secondary to his NFL team’s performance. Would gladly trade a crucial fantasy football victory for his NFL squad to convert this third and eleven…even though it’s the fourth quarter and they’re down 41-13. It’s easy to manipulate this owner, because you know his draft-day mantra is to nab at least ten members of your local NFL squad. You can intentionally draft your town’s back-up QB, then trade him to the Hometown Hero for Todd Gurley.
The Magazine Guy
Completely forgot about draft day, until he was 15 minutes late and you called him. Bypassing a shower, he rushes out of bed and to the local convenience store where he grabs the first NFL/fantasy magazine he sees…regardless of year. You know he’s toast when you see the cover of the lousy magazine he grabbed is actually a Big Ten Conference preview. Shows up and asks if he can borrow a pen and paper and inquires if all of the guys are sure the draft isn’t supposed to be next Saturday. The Magazine Guy hasn’t paid attention to one single bit of off-season news. Has no idea who is hurt or who is on different teams. This guy has absolutely no shot at winning the championship, but somehow keeps paying his annual dues. If you’re lucky enough to have this buffoon in your league, rather than blast his inability, be thankful that he keeps showing up and donating to your kids’ college funds.
The Marv Albert
This owner has a comment about every pick and it’s usually a smart-ass remark about every opponent’s selection. Not afraid to inform the owner that grabs Jason Witten in round seven that “Witten’s overrated. I had him ranked as my 17th tight end.” Brags to everyone that he’s about to take a huge sleeper, then drafts Aaron Rodgers. Ridicules every selection that isn’t his while praising each of his own. Throws out statistical analysis and facts that are almost always inaccurate and biased. The Marv Albert guy also makes a huge production out of each of his picks. Instead of just shouting out a name or pushing the draft button like each of the other 11 owners, he stands up and yells “With the fourth selection in the Meathead’s Dynasty Football League, the Tinseltown Tickle Monsters select…..a wide receiver…from the Pittsburgh Steelers…..Antonioooooooooo Brown!”
We’ve all seen this guy. He was probably the first one of your friends to get married and he wants to make the most out of the one day a year his wife lets him out of the house. Getting wasted is his primary goal…and he’s going to be successful, one way or another. The Guzzler shows up prepared- for Prohibition. He’ll have one of those red coolers with wheels on it, a flask, a bottle of whiskey in his right pocket and a bottle of Jågermeister in his left. Throughout the draft, he’ll make all kinds of ridiculous, obvious bets, like “hey if Gary takes a living player, let’s all chug a beer!” He’s more worried about how much ice is left than how many tight ends remain. The Guzzler is just making the most of his one day of freedom, and he wants everyone to have a good time. Typically, The Guzzler’s draft is going to start off strong. But as the booze flows and blood-alcohol level rises, the quality of picks fade. Before long, someone will suggest that The Guzzler drafts that hotshot rookie quarterback Shane Falco, and he will oblige. But don’t worry too much about what his roster looks like- he’ll never remember this draft, anyway.
The Forgetful Fellow
It takes an act of Congress for this guy to bother to get the day off from work to attend your draft. The commissioner has to constantly remind him to what day and time the draft is and to ensure he request the day off. If he can somehow make it to the draft, it doesn’t get much better. It’s round 14 and this guy asks “Did anybody take Drew Brees?” Either he’s not paying attention or just can’t remember five minutes in the past. Has to constantly be reminded what his draft position is, how much time he has left to make his selection and that he can’t draft Yunel Escobar as his shortstop because this is, in fact, not a baseball league. The Forgetful Fellow will also be the first idiot to call out the name of a player that was taken several rounds ago. Then, when everyone’s laughing at him and pointing out that player’s sticker on the draftboard, he’ll insist that he hasn’t scratched him off his personal cheat sheet so there must be some sort of mistake. There is good news for people that draft right in front of The Forgetful Fellow, though. Often, he’ll lean over and ask “Is Tyler Lockett still on the board?” Essentially he’s telling you who’s next on his board and if you’re lucky, he’ll remind you of a sleeper that you might have forgotten about yourself.
To hear this owner talk, he goes back to the glory days of Y.A. Tittle. He vehemently opposes any changes to any scoring or rules. The Throwback still laments when people started giving points for yardage and thinks it’s ridiculous that fantasy football teams would start three wide receivers. To this guy, PPR is some sort of asset management company and he’ll argue that there’s no such thing as progress, only regression. Not only is The Throwback a pain to commissioners who have to listen to the majority of league members when new idea or rules are suggested, he probably still wears a Herman Moore Detroit Lions jersey- not because it’s a cool throwback, but because that’s the last time he shelled out fifty bucks for a replica jersey. The Throwback is the annoying guy who threatens to leave the league every year, but still shows up on draft day complaining about the scoring injustice that cost him a game in the ’97 playoffs. If he had his way, you and your fiends would have an eight team touchdown-only league and wouldn’t waste league dues on one of those fancy websites when you could just as easily grab a pencil and notebook for under a buck.
One of the worst days for any fantasy owner is showing up for your annual draft after The Braggart won the previous season’s title. This guy shows up with a WWE championship belt personally inscribed with his glorious fantasy football accomplishments. He shows everyone the league trophy and offers to pose for pictures. He might even kick it up a notch and offer to give you an autographed 8 X 10 for only $10. The Braggart is the most obnoxious kind of winner.
Clearly taking last year’s title is the highlight of his life and he’s not going to let anybody forget it. He changed his signature in his email to read “owner of the 2004 and 2015 S.F.F.L. champions.” Don’t think for a second he’s ever going to let you forget that he beat you 81-79 in Week four or that he was smart enough to pick up Donte Moncrief off of the waiver-wire and that’s why he’s the champ. During last year’s title game, The Braggart was that type of owner that texted, emailed and tried to call you the moment it was clear that he was going to win. He has no class or dignity and wants each of you to refer to him as “The Champ” at this year’s draft. He might be the champ, but The Braggart is more like a chump.
The Broke Guy
Perhaps the #1 nemesis to any fantasy football league is The Broke Guy. No matter how much time you give him, or how far in advance you plan your draft, this guy’s not showing up with any cash. He usually plays the “I just forgot it” card, but in reality he’s hoping you will also forget- to collect.
It’s not that Broke Guy doesn’t have the money, after all he showed up with some drive-thru he just picked up on his way to the draft. He just doesn’t want to pay.
He actually thinks he’s going to win, so if he can just skirt by until December, not only will he have not had to pay, he’ll be getting more cash in return! Broke Guy makes being a commissioner much more difficult than need be. When another owner wins, he’s expecting to collect all his cash, not have to track down a bunch of deadbeats or cheapskates. And you just know that when the season is over and you’re looking to get that league entry fee, Broke Guy ain’t answering that phone call.